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Sunday, May 6th, 2001
9:38 pm - say goodbye love
i did get a new journal. just doing an entry to give the link

www.livejournal.com/~steler

anyone who wants to chew me out will just have to do it there

current mood: depressed

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2:44 pm - I just want SPACE!!!
I've told my mom so many times I don't like her reading my IMs and how annoying it is when she asks me who I'm talking to and keeps bugging me if I say no one. Jesus. And last night I went in my room so I could have a little time to myself, and she comes knocking on the door "What are you doing? Is something wrong??" Did it ever occure to her that maybe I just want some time to myself?? Why is that so hard to believe?! Just because I'm in my room doesn't mean I'm plotting a murder/suicide at the next *NSYNC concert! I just wanted to sit by myself w/ my cat and listen to a little Foo Fighters. Why is that such a horrible thing?? And just a minute ago she came over and started looking at the computer screen so I slammed the top down. Then she got mad, and I asked her why I couldn't just have something to myself that was my own and she yelled at me and called that crap. Jesus fucking christ I need to BREATHE!!!

current mood: pissed off

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11:33 am - I'm thinking of getting a new journal
this one just has a lot of bad memories and seems dirty and cluttered to me. I want to start new and fresh. It's not like I'm abandoning this journal, I just want a new name. If i do get a new journal, then the last entry in here will have the link to it.

I need $4. Once I get it, I can send in my order form to get my I Voted For Kodos t-shirt and their album! yay! I can't wait! My neck still hurts like a bitch and I'm still pretty sore. Boo. I miss Adam. I hope he gets on tonight.

I can't wait for the battle of the bands. I really wanna see IV4K again!

current mood: excited

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Saturday, May 5th, 2001
7:12 pm - From the IV4K site...* www.geocities.com/iv4k *
Friday, May 25th
We'll be playing in the New Loft battle of the bands finals at the Marquee room in the Civic Center. The Civic center is located on State street two blocks from the capitol. We'll be playing with the Boyscout Dropouts and several other yet to be determined bands. Show starts at 7:00pm.

That's the show I'm going to. The stage in that room is moveable, and the rooms is really small for playing and shit, and you are RIGHT in front of the band, almost eye close. And I Voted For Kodos is playing and I can't wait!!!

www.mp3.com/iv4k

if you go, get any song, they're all good. yay! I can't wait!

current mood: crazy

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5:07 pm - uhh............................
God... I'm so stupid! So, the guy I met at the RBF show, I went to the thing his band was playing at last night. I barley said 5 words to him! Do you want to know why?? Because I'm a total fucking coward. I don't understand why I have to be so shy. I wish I had just been able to go up to him and talk to him, and known what to say. But I never know what to say! And,I dunno, maybe it was just me, but he didn't seem that interested. I mean, when I did talk to him, he said shit, it's not like he ignored me... I dunno. I'm just... I guess I'm not very likable by guys... Or girls. People just don't like me. And I don't know if I'm ever going to see him again. I'm really hoping he comes back to the battle of the bands thing, even though his band didn't win, because the opening act is playing at the finals, so I hope he goes... And if not, there's only one way I can think of to contact him and shit is to call his school and shit, and get his number, but I would feel like an idiot! augh... I'm a loser...

current mood: disappointed

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12:35 am - I got this from my newist friend Kriz...*I stole it, YAY!*
SO I got this from Kriz, I'm bored so I'm going to fill it out.

I see...my friend Hannah watching Mtv*BLAH*
I find...my dog is a bitch
I want...a lot of things that I don't deserve.
I have...a stolen Nevermind tab book in my guitar case.
I love...music.
I hate...basicly everything.
I miss...Adam and Nate.
I fear..Mtv.
I feel...sick and in pain.
I hear..."Alien She" by Bikini Kill
I smell...air?
I crave...a boyfriend
I wonder...what Jonas is doing
I regret...not talking to Jonas today AT ALL
When was the last time you...
Smiled? about 2 hours ago.
Laughed? about 2 hours ago
Cried? last night
Bought something? my ticket to The Battle of the Bands today at the Civic Center
Danced? Today at another shitty school dance w/ the same fucking horrible DJ!
Were sarcastic? Today at lunch...?
Kissed someone? Never truley kissed anyone
Talked to an ex? yesterday, I called him an ass and told him not to anal rape me going down the stairs from lunch at school
Watched your favorite movie? no idea
Had a nightmare?I don't think I've ever had one...
Last book you read: A Clockwork Orange
Last movie you saw: I dunno...
Last movie you saw on the big screen: beats me shitless
Last song you heard: "Better Off Dead" by NFG
last time you showered: yesterday, I'm due for one
Last thing you ate: pizza
Do You...
Smoke? no
Do drugs? no
Have sex? no
Sleep with stuffed animals? Yes, my stuffed tiger, Hobbes, who I've had sence I was 8
Live in the moment? no
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? I fucking wish
Have a dream that keeps coming back? no
Play an instrument? guitar
Believe there is life on other planets? maybe...
Been in love? yeah...
Still love him/her? yeah...
Read the newspaper? rarley
Have any gay or lesbian friends? yeah
Believe in miracles? probebly not
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? maybe....
Consider yourself tolerant of others? NO.
Consider love a mistake? no, just really painfull
Like the taste of alcohol? depends...
Have a favorite candy? I dunno
Believe in Astrology? maybe
Believe in magic? no, not really
Believe in God? I really don't know, leading tword no
Pray? Once in the last year. Nate asked me to, and I did. I did it for him
Go to church? no
Have any secrets? God yes
Have any pets? a kitty, Pebbles, a bitch doggie, D'Arcy, a birdie, Tenwood, a rabbie, Happy Doodle and some fishys
Talk to strangers who instant message you? yes, I just hate it when they IM me w/ "ASL"
Wear hats? yeah
Have any piercings? no
Have any tattoos? no
Hate yourself? yes, very much
Have an obsession? music
Collect anything? no
Have a best friend? no
Wish on stars? not a lot.
Like your handwriting? sometimes
Have any bad habits? everything I do
Care about looks? I try my best not to, but yeah, especially my own :(
Believe in witches? not really
Believe in Satan? I dunno b
Believe in ghosts? maybe
Believe in Santa? YES! no...
Believe in the Easter Bunny? no
Believe in the Tooth Fairy? no
Trust others easily? NO. that certain someone knows that VERY well
Like noise? YES
Take walks in the rain? sometimes
Kiss with your eyes closed? havn't kissed...
Sing in the shower? no
Own handcuffs? no
Have any scars? on my ankle and on the side of my hand from when I was 5 and my sister locked me out of the house and I was banging on the screen window, and thought it was plastic and my hand went through it and I had to get stiches

current mood: sore

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Friday, May 4th, 2001
8:52 am - I'm in the school library right now
As some of you know, my docter took me out of grym this unit(track) because of my ankles. THey didn't form right, my tendane isn't long enough.:P Weezer. I heard one of their songs on the radio this morning. The new one, and I was stupid enough to already forget what it's called. I finished my homework, so I have nothing to work on. Boo. I'm bored. I wish I could get on AIM, but they delited it. I wish I could spell. So... This girl Michelle is talking to the libraryien, who is a total racist bitch, and the helper, who is a complete moron, SERIOUSLY. Ugh, I'm so bored... What am I supposed to do in here. God! They just told me to take off my headphones. Man... That's just great. And I'm defenitly NOT going to ask the guy I like to dance w/ me, even though my friends are pressuring me to. Shit on them. I gotta go, the periods almost over and I have to log off the computer.

current mood: bored

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Thursday, May 3rd, 2001
10:27 pm - I changed my mind
He doesn't have to tell me what was in the email. That doesn't even seem worth it, to bug him about something he REALLY doesn't want to give me. I guess I should really respect that. If he thinks it might cause a lot of problems, maybe he's right. But, after what I just thought about, it doesn't seem that important. It's his desicion to make, not mine. Ok, but this is what I was thinking about.

I was thinking about Nate and Addie and Gordon, and I read my journal entrys and their replys, and realized, they are as full as shit as I am, more infact. They heard what they didn't want to. It was ok for Nate to be mad at me, and ok for Gordon and Addie to fuck w/ my head like that, but it wasn't ok for me to get mad about it. Jesus. What fucking hypocrits. What was I thinking letting myself get so fucking hurt by their comments? Sometimes I really baffle myself...


You know, when I said 'fuck you' to them, I ment it. And I'll say it again. Nate, Addie, Gordon, FUCK YOU. If you guys ever read this, don't try to drag me down w/ your immature comments, it won't work this time. Fuck you.

current mood: accomplished

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9:54 pm - Come on over...
...and do the twist. *smiles* hehe... I'm a bad person. Maybe I shouldn't know... But, I need to. I'm not sure if it's curiosity, or if I really need to know it. I told him I needed to, but, why do I wonder? Before, w/ shit like this, he wouldn't tell me because he thought it was stupid, but now he won't tell me because he's afraid it will ruin everything. Just, cut the last cable. But, he says it isn't how he really feels, so why is it a big deal? As long as I know he doesn't really feel like that, whatever "that" may be, it shouldn't bother me. Yeah, it may hurt, but for some reason I want that. As much as the comments from Nate, Gordon and Addie hurt, and how increadibly hard it was to read them, I read them over and over, each time getting harder. It hurt, a lot. Because I know that's how they really feel. But, if I know it's not how he feels, then why should it matter? Eh, maybe I'm crazy, I don't know. Oh well, when he gets back on I will see how far I can get. I care about him A LOT, and I want to know how he's feeling...

current mood: distressed

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9:39 pm - WE LOVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
Actually we couldn't give a crap about her. My journal is fucking up and I need to try something.

current mood: nerdy

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5:35 pm - school dances suck
We're having one tomorrow. I don't know why I go. Ugh... And my friend Alex says he can get the guy I like to dance w/ me. Yeah right... I don't know how that's going to happen. AKA, it won't. The dances always suck. They have some stupid DJ who has no good songs and doesn't know how to work the booth. All they play are bad rap, pop and hip hop, and I mean BAD. Not that those types of music aren't already bad, but the songs they play are just bad, on top of them being just a fake shitty God damn crap ass genera. That felt good... I was in a pretty good mood a few minutes ago, but now I just feel let down. I completely suck at guitar, I can't even play "Polly". God... i'm not learning anything! I don't know what it is! I'm never going to be good... I know this takes time, but Adam got going pretty fast, but then again he knew the chords already, but still. I feel like I'm not getting ANYWHERE. Augh, GOD... shit shit shit. I'm afraid I'm never really going to learn how to play shit. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I can't play! Man... And it's not like those shitty dances would ever play anything good.

current mood: frustrated

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7:56 am - I'm so tired
The show ended about 10:30/10:40ish, I'm not sure. But, my God, that show motherfucking rocked dude. Jesus. I got headbutted, I fell down, just once though surprisingly, I got my mouth hit by somebody(I think Mario pushed me into someone) and my lip slammed into my braces, I have a cut there, but it didn't bleed, I got beer spilled on me, Luke pushed me a few times, Karl and Helen got up on stage w/ the opening act, I about passed out from heat, lack of air and dehidration, I met this really cool dude, his name is Jona(sp??) and his band is dong The Battle of the Bands on Friday at the Civic Center at 7, I'm totally going, and I kicked ass in the mosh pit(not really, but...). That was the best time I've ever had! My God... And the opening act, they were so good, I think I liked them better then RBF*eek*. And their local! They're called I Voted for Kodos. Here's their website: http://www.geocities.com/iv4k/ check em out, they rock. And poor Rick, he needs to watch out for flying guitars. Now I just have to finish drying my bra which I had to wash this morning, then go to school. I should do my french and english work while I'm waiting, too.

I did have fun at RBF.

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Wednesday, May 2nd, 2001
5:01 pm - Reel Big Fish!
Tonights the concert! YAY! I can't wait! Hour and a half. I should be gone by now, but Jen's dad had to come, and they can't pick me up till 6:30:P damnit. oh well. I just hope we don't get horrible seats. Shit, I'm rebooting.

current mood: anxious

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Tuesday, May 1st, 2001
5:44 pm - *shrugs*
This is how shit gets messed up, you get an online journal. You say one thing, and someone possibly reads it, and possibly thinks it's about them. Which could get me into a lot of "social"(lord I hate saying that) problem. It kinda sucks when someone thinks something about you that's not true, even if it's not a bad thing. And you want them to know the truth, but you wouldn't know a way to do bring it up, or explain how you figured it out. Hmm... Should I skip the library and go to applied tech tomorrow and work on my clock? And what do you do when you the only person on your buddy lists gets off and one of the people that hates you just IMed you, and just the fact of them IMing you makes you feel horrible and want to go cry?

current mood: confused

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Monday, April 30th, 2001
9:10 pm - I don't think he gets that it really hurts
I've told him so many times. For the moment it seemed like he understood. I feel so stupid and I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried talking to him, I've tried watching what I say. Nothing. I just... I'm not here. The person I care for most is the last person that's going to talk to me. He's only there when it's seriouse, not when I really need him. It's like he doesn't even try, then makes excuses so he doesn't feel bad. I don't know how to get it through to him that it really hurts. Because it does. And if he does get it and understands, why won't he do anything about it?

current mood: lonely

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7:36 pm - napster is rrreeeaaalllyyy sucking
Jebus. I tried to download an Anti-Flag song and they got filtered. So did Reel Big Fish, Pearl Jam and Less Than Jake. Do those seem like bands that would have their shit filtered on napster? No. Guess who did it. The record companys. Fucking corporate gimps. Jebus! There was ONE song I wanted by Anti-Flag, and I can't get it. It's not that I'm not willing to buy the cd, it's that I have NO money. Absolutly none. There are aboot 3 bands I want to buy cds from, and I'm in debt an hour long phone call to Colorado. God... And racism sucks. God damn it sucks. And Adam's not on. Sure, Kriz is, but I want Adam:(

current mood: pissed off

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4:57 pm - THe Goonies R Good Enough
here we are
hanging onto strains of greed and blues
break the chain then we break down
oh it's not real if you don't feel it
unspoken expectations
ideals you used to play with
they've finally taken shape for us

what's good enough for you
is good enough for me
it's good enough
it's good enough for me
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

now you'll say
you're startin' to feel the push and pull
of what could be and never can
you mirror me stumblin' through those
old fashioned superstitions
i find too hard to break
oh maybe you're out of place...

current mood: uncomfortable

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4:28 pm - you complain and complain and complain...
but you don't know how good you have it

current mood: apathetic

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Sunday, April 29th, 2001
8:10 pm - God...
I fucking apologized. Jesus. What more do want? I was a bitch, I said sorry. Then they just make you feel like an idiot. *shacks head*People suck.

current mood: disappointed

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6:23 pm - noooooo
We're going to Reel Big Fish. Jen wanted to come. There WERE no parents coming, but the only way Jen could come w/ me and Elsa and Emma and Clair and Kaitlin was if there was an adult coming. Well, there were none, so Jen's dad called Elsa's mom and now Jen's dad is coming w/ us. This fucking sucks. I hate when parents come to this shit. You go to concerts to see the band and fuck off, not know your friends dad is huvering over your every move. Especially sence he hates me already. Joy.*rolls eyes*

current mood: angry

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